An idea I've had running around for a while upstairs...
I'll admit to being a bit evasive on the subject matter but then I know people have a tendency to be squeemish when it comes to basic bodily functions...and no it's not one of THOSE fics!
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You Were A WHAT!?!?!
Alpha Flight is owned by Marvel, not me…alas. I do however revel in the idea of messing with the characters every once and a while and have no shame in doing so what so ever. Enjoy… >=)
Special thanks to Allan ‘HappyCanuck’ Crocker for his help. (I don’t know them that well) And I am going with the overuse of ‘eh’ for Zuzha because I’m going by what’s in the book. Not to much though.
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You Were A WHAT!?!?!
“Oh my!” He exclaimed when he heard the litany of language pouring from the other room. Dr Walter Langkowski looked up from his desk before shrugging at the younger man.
“She’s just being a woman.” He explained to the Major. “She’ll get over it in a few days.”
“That’s not very nice to say it like that Sir.” Major Mapleleaf replied. “It’s disrespectful!”
“And I didn’t mean it like you’re thinking either.” Langkowski added. “I for one am against the whole ‘women are the weaker sex’ idea society wants to shove down our throats.” He added as he rose from his seat. “Trust me, if there’s one thing I do know for a fact! It’s that Zuzha has every right to let rip with whatever language she wants to…now where’s that evening primrose oil I had around here?” He opened up a cupboard and began going through bottles of various things.
“Evening…” The Major stuttered.
Walter just waved his hand absently towards the Mountie and continued to dig around in the cupboard. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Is there anything…”
“Yeah get me some hot lemon tea and bring it to Zuzha’s room.” Walter cut him off again. “Ah! Gotcha!” He exclaimed when he found what he’d been looking for.
“Um okay.” Mapleleaf replied as he left. Walter followed him out of the office and made a beeline for Zuzha.
As he suspected he found her curled up in a ball on the bed looking quite displeased. “What!” She bellowed when he entered. “Touch my coffee buddy and you loose the ability to piss your name in the snow, eh?” She vowed as Walter took the mug out of her reach.
“Caffeine and periods don’t mix Sweetie.” Walter calmly explained as he took a seat on the edge of the bed.
“What would you know?”
“Just trust me on this.”
“I’ll trust you when you get a sex change, plumbing included, and YOU have to put up with this crap!” Zuzha bellowed.
“Like I said earlier…” Walter calmly replied opening the bottle he had and dumped some capsules into his hand. “Trust me okay. I know what I’m talking about. Now here? Take these.”
“Bite me!” She barked as she swallowed the capsules.
“Don’t tempt me.” Walter grinned. He was rewarded by Zuzha grabbing a handful of thigh and digging her nails in. “Ow! Damn it!” He managed as he tried to pry her nails from his leg.
“Say that you know what’s it like again and you will die! Got it?” Zuzha threatened as she sat up a bit.
“I’m going to say this one more time…I do know for a fact what you’re going through right now and to trust me on this!” Walter growled, ready to shift over to Sasquatch if he needed to, to fend off a hundred and five pounds of seething lethal woman.
Pain or no, Zuzha jumped up from her position and stood on the bed so she was eye level with Walter. “You’re a friggin’ man! How could you possibly have any REMOTE idea, eh?”
Walter didn’t flinch. Instead he leaned forward so his face was bare centimetres away from Zuzha’s before finally explaining to the girl his reasoning. “Because I was a woman once…warts and all.”
Zuzha jerked back a bit, her anger replaced by surprise. “No joke? Everything? The works?” She asked and Walter nodded.
That’s when they heard the crash of china hitting the floor. “Now what?” Walter groaned, turning to see the Major standing in the doorway looking stunned at best, horrified at worst. Zuzha rolled her eyes when she saw the stunned Major in the doorway before shuddering and excusing herself.
Walter folded his arms over his chest as he waited for any hint of movement from the Major. “What?” Nothing. “Let’s just say I was a lesbian in a team of heteros.” Still nothing. Walter waited for a few more seconds for any hint of a response, after getting none he sighed and began explaining. “Long story short. I was born male, something happened in the early days of Alpha that resulted in me dying, got resurrected if you will, and came back as a woman. Snowbird was nice enough to change me back into a man, but not before I got to experience all of what being a woman is like…well almost all.”
The Major hadn’t budged from his spot until he heard Zuzha yell at him to move or else. “You make a better door then a window eh?” She stormed past him muttering under her breath as she went back to bed. “And you!” She started up looking at Walter. “You have some serious explaining to do, Doc!”
“Gladly. Promise not to try and maim me anymore?” He asked.
“Only if it’s good eh?” Zuzha grinned. She frowned again when she looked back at the Major. “What Blondie! Clean that up before someone slips and kills themselves!”
“Meow.” Walter chuckled as the Major snapped too and did as Zuzha had ordered. Mapleleaf took off to the kitchen to get another cup of tea after he’d cleaned up the one he’d dropped. He had a feeling he really didn’t want to know any details Zuzha was more then likely to pry out of the doctor.
“Start talking Doc.” Zuzha said as Walter sat down next to her again. He explained how he’d ended up as a woman in the first place and what had happened after he’d been returned to his original gender. “You said earlier you know damn well what being a woman’s like…so?”
“So what?” He asked, hoping she wouldn’t make him go into detail. He had admitted to himself, that while the experience was valuable from a scientific point of view, it had utterly traumatised him at the same time. She made him go into detail anyway.
“So, did you or did you not get what I’ve got right now?” She asked, running a fingernail along Walter’s knee as a reminder of what she was more then willing to do to him.
“Yup. Hated it too.”
“Go on, eh?”
Walter sighed and gathered his thoughts as he remembered the first time he discovered that he REALLY missed being a man, while he was ‘Wanda’. “I’ve got enough of a medical background to know exactly what was going on and why…not that it helped any.”
“Spare me the technical babble eh? What did you think personally?” Zuzha grinned as she egged him on.
“Don’t laugh. But I damn near had a heart attack when it showed up. I realised I hadn’t given any real thought to what the new body might or might not be able to do.”
“I was ten when I got it so I’m not laughing.” Zuzha explained. “They hadn’t gotten to that part in class yet so I freaked too eh.”
“Ten? Wow!” Walter gawked at her for a minute before continuing his recollection of being a man literally trapped in a woman’s body. “Anyhoo. So I got it. The rational scientist part of the brain began explaining what and why. The irrational ‘male brand new to this whole being female thing’ part of the brain flipped out and cowered in the corner.” Zuzha was biting her lip to keep from laughing as he continued. “Actually…so did the rest of me once I got the supplies and everything situated.”
Walter rolled his eyes as Zuzha lost her battle and began howling in laughter. “You promised…” He chided. Zuzha shook her head wildly trying to calm down and asked him to continue.
“Don’t…tee hee…don’t mind me.” Zuzha giggled. Walter smirked at her and continued.
“I got everything situated and then went to my room…where I curled into a little ball and suffered. Aurora must have figured out something was up and came looking for me.” Zuzha raised an eyebrow for a second but said nothing.
“Anyway she found me and I think she figured out in two seconds what was wrong.” Walter went on. “Thankfully she was kind enough to not rub in the fact that it was about time a man got to experience ‘hell’ as she so quaintly called it, until later when it was all over.”
“So what did she do?” Zuzha asked.
“Dashed to her room for a second and came back with some stuff she figured would help. She had been raised in a convent and really had no clue as to what was what until she met Michael.”
“She’s a chick and she didn’t know what the he…” Zuzha started before being cut off.
“She knew but she didn’t. The nuns weren’t very forthcoming on the details apparently just what to do to keep the mess to a minimum.” Walter explained. “Michael is a physician and he figured the nuns might not have told her anything so he took her aside and explained, what why and what to do. Which she gladly passed on to me when I was Wanda.”
“Ohhh!”
“Yeah. That included the evening primrose oil I had you take earlier.” Walter added.
“And that’s supposed to do what?” Zuzha asked.
“Once the cramps die down the oil should help keep them at bay. A chemical in it acts like hormones and tricks the body into thinking everything’s over.” He explained. Zuzha cocked an eyebrow but said nothing.
“I didn’t believe it either when Aurora told me but it worked. It’s why I keep it stashed here just in case.”
“I’ll buy that.” Zuzha replied. “Any other impressions stick out?”
“The sensation of needed to practically live in the shower comes to mind.” Walter laughed. “That and the urge to apologize to my mother for everything rotten I ever did as a kid.”
“Man hate?” Zuzha grinned.
“Oddly enough yeah.” Walter replied. “I remember wanting to skin Jean-Paul alive for no other reasons except that he was still male, while I wasn’t!” Zuzha cracked up again and buried her face in Walter’s lap. “So I’m excused from womanly wrath now?” Walter asked. He managed to get a short nod of the head from Zuzha. She was still laughing at the thought of him wanting to do another man in, for just being male.
“Um…” The Major stammered suddenly from the doorway.
Walter was tempted when he saw the stunned fish look again. Sorely tempted to say what was practically bouncing on the tip of his tongue but he refrained. He’d already had one cup busted and really didn’t want another one to join it in the broken china cabinet in the sky. “She’s crying. Mood swings.” He lied instead. He was sure his expression wasn’t helping the cause but Zuzha was biting him at this point.
“Oh…poor thing. Here’s the tea you requested, Sir.” Mapleleaf stated, placing it on the nightstand nearby before making a hasty retreat.
Walter waited a full ten seconds before tapping Zuzha on the shoulder. “He’s gone now so would you stop biting my leg…please?” He hissed through clenched teeth. He waited two more seconds before shifting to his more durable form which finally got Zuzha to let go of his leg.
“Ackthp! I’m gonna be coughing up hairballs for a week!” Zuzha exclaimed rising from the bed and making a charge for Sasquatch. He just laughed as he held her back with one hand, safely out of reach of flying fists and swift kicks.
The End!
